Chapter 6/ Making a Love Connection

Styles of Love and Attachment

This chapter goes off on explaining the levels of love and their exceptions in every occurrence. It explains the difference between loving and liking, and talks about love in three major perspectives.
1) Lee's Love styles 2) Sternberg's triangular theory of love 3) Marston and Hecht's love ways.



Types of Love

Companionate Love- Hatfield (1988) referred to this type of love as the "warm" type of love. Its level of intimacy is always consistent. Examples of Companionate Love are family relationships, friendships, and romantic relationships.

Passionate Love- Hatfield (1988) referred to this type of love as the "hot" type of love. This level of love is characterized by emotional highs and lows rather than a consistent and personal warmth. When we are in passionate love, we feel amazing and in a state of satisfaction when things go our way. When we are rejected, we are in misery.

Lee's Love Styles

This is Lee's Love Styles represented in a color wheel. The shaded parts stand for the "primary" styles of love. The "secondary" styles of love are aspects of  two primary styles adjacent to eachother, and are shown in white.

I thought this theory was interesting, especially because of the strange names given to the pieces of pie.

Eros- physical love

Storge- companionate love

and Ludus- game-playing love... are all Primary Styles of Love

According to Lee, if you mix these primary styles (just like primary colors), you are able to make different or "secondary" styles (or colors).

Mania- possessive love

Agape- unselfish love

and Pragma- practical love.. are the three most common Secondary Styles of Love

Attachment

According to the book, attachment is conceptualized through love connections. This attachment usually tends to get stronger as relationships progress.
An attachment style is a social interaction style that is consistent with the type and quality of relationship one wishes to share with others, based on working models of self and others (Bartholomew, 1990).

They also say in the book that attachment styles in childhood are models shaped for attachment in later years in life.  A classic example would be a baby crying for her mother as an infant.

Attachment in adulthood are conceptualized by previous attachments with others. Hazan and Shaver (1987) proposed that adults can have secure, avoidant, or anxious-ambivalent attachments to their romantic partners.

Secures- These people tend to get close to their partners in a sense of dependence. They often fear being left.

Avoidants- These people are uncomfortable with getting close with their partners. They really do value their "autonomy".  (Sounds like me)

Anxious Ambivalents- These people are overly involved and can be demanding towards their partner.



Chapter 5/ Getting Closer

Initiating and Intensifying Relationships

Chapter five talks about the levels of self-disclosure, levels of relationships, and how turning points in relationships can cause a change within.

Self-Disclosure

Which can be defined as revelaing any piece of information about yourself to others. This can serve as a basis for any initial relation. Simply talking about your family, where you are from, and what your goals are all ways to intensify a relationship.

According to the Social Penetration Theory, there are three dimensions in self-disclosure: Depth, Breadth, and Frequency.

Depth- refers to how deep a conversation is
Breadth- refers to how many topics you feel comfortable talking about
Frequency- how often self-disclosure may occur.

Soo... For example..John is on my baseball team and he's also in my math class. John is also the captain of the team and is very cocky. I see John frequently, but my relationship will never increase in depth because of not liking him. Therefore, my relationship with him will never increase in breadth. My conversations with John would only be limited to talking about baseball and math. And I hate math...

Another example..A best friend. I feel that I can talk about anything with some of my friends. But there is also a select few that I do not talk to as frequent. My friend Carlos back home is a good example. I talk to him about almost anything and in great depth.  But now that I am at school I do not talk to him as much. Me coming to school is called a "turning point" in our relationship.

Stages of Relationships

This picture represents the 4 stages of the Social Penetration Theory:

I Orientation

II Exploratory Affective

III Affective Exchange

IV Stable Echange

The Orientation Stage takes place when people meet for the first time. It usually lasts for a few more encounters after and typically coincides with positive valence. If those figures represent an onion, the shaded spots are the layers of  self-disclosure that are peeled away. In the orientation stage, we reveal information such as your name and workplace. In some cases you may not even expect to see that person again.

The Explatory Affective Stage is typically acquaintances, casual friends, and casual daters. At this stage, relationships have the potential to either develop or remain at this stage. People "explore" the uncertain characteristics of the other in breadth, rather than depth. If I was to go out on a blind date I would not want to talk about a few things in great depth. It is pretty much impossible considering you do not know the other person at all.  I would want to talk briefly about a bunch of things to search for commonalities. If the date goes well it can intensify the relationship, which can lead to the next stage in development.

The Affective Exchange represents the progressive increase in depth and breadth. This typically represents best friends, romantic parterns, and family members. At this point in a relationship, we realize that we are accepted as who we are. A well large amount of disclosure has been given on both sides. Even though that depth and breadth are elevated, there are still certain areas of disclosure that remain unpeeled.

The Stable Exchange is the final stage of the Social Penetration Theory and represents full self-disclosure in a relationship. Breadth and depth are peeled to the very core of the onion. The stable exchange is very difficult to achieve and is almost unrealistic to accomplish. The book explains this in emphasizing the need for privacy and autonomy.

Turning Points

Turning points usually represent any change in a relationship. For example, a romantic relationship in the "affective exchange" level. John is thinking about moving to California for job reasons, but does not want to leave his girl friend Jessica in New York behind. His decision reflects a "turning point". He could either pick up and go, or ask Jessica if she would move with him. This type of situation is a major turning point in their relationship.

Turning Point 1... Jessica says no to John's request in moving to Californina. John decides to stay in New York with Jessica. Later on Jessica leaves John because he does not have the will to move forward in his career. She feels that their lives together will not progress into someting greater.

Turning Point 2... Jessica agrees to move to California with John. John does so well at his new job he is making triple the amount of money than he would back in New York. Jessica feels that John's success is threatening to her own expectations. However, Jessica loves that John is making alot of money. 5 years later John realizes that Jessica is a gold digger and wants to leave her.

Chapter 4/ Making Sense of Our World

This Chapter goes off on what is called the Uncertainty Reduction Theory, and also touches up on violations of expectancy.  In my eyes, humans use this theory as a fuel for their relationships.  The theory of reduction says that lacking the ability to predict some one elses behavior acts as a form of attraction.  People will thrive on this as in initial interactions develop.

This means that we may want to retain more and more information about someone in order to predict some one's personality, that way we can decrease uncertainty about them. This chapter suggests that there are a variety of strategies of coping with uncertainty in order to predict accurate expectancies in others.

I'm uncertain about what to talk about.. There was alot to this chapter. I'll just touch up on some strategies for reducing uncertainty.

Accoring to Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships, people can reduce uncertainty using passive, active, or interactive strategies.  According to uncertainty redution theory,  "people often reduce uncertainty using strategies other than face-to-face or direct communication.  Specifically, Berger and his colleagues identified three general ways people go about reducing uncertainty in initial encounters"(Guerrero, Anderson, Affifi).

Passive Strategies:
Passive strategies consist of checking some one out. In an informal setting, observing some ones behaviors, studying there interactions, and assuming some ones age, nationality, and relationship status are known to be passive strategies.  Sometimes you are able to reduce uncertainty if you end up being correct about one of those traits.

Active Strategies:
Active strategies are used to see the other person's reaction. Their reaction can lead you to believe a certain characteristic in which they bear. For example, if I ask a partiular girl to come over for a party that involved beer and drugs, I am looking for two things: I want to see if she immediately responds with a yes or no, and I want to see if her reasoning behind her decision is accurate. Perhaps she is interested but wants to bring friends, which may imply that she is shy but willing to come out of her shell. If she is down to come alone, does that mean she is solely interested in meeting with just me? Maybe she just likes to party hard....Im uncertain..but the uncertainty will decrease after she makes her decision.

Active strategies may also include a third party. If i asked Jeff what he was doing tonight, and he told me he was going to take Sabrina (a girl that I am highly interested in) out on a date to the movies. I would immediately ask Sabrina what she was doing tonight. In this situation she tells me she is going to the movies. But what I am really looking for is to see if she says that she is going with Jeff.....or some one else.....or she might not include who she is going with at all. Her reply will increase certainty about her personality.....or will it?

Interactive Strategies:
Interactive strategies consist of  one on one communication. It involves asking questions and self-disclosing information about one another. If two people communicate efficiently, the level of comfort will help disclose appropriate information about your self to some one. Their feedback should decrease uncertainty about the other, as you get to know each other over time.

Chapter 3/ Drawing People Together.

This Chapter was simply amazing. I had a tough time stepping away from the book on this one. It was very satisfying reading about the forces of Social Attraction because it is one of my main interests in life. Im fascinated with the idea of knowingly how to change communication based off of any dyadic attraction.In other words....I want to know how to be charming, I want to enhance my verbal and non verbal communication skills.... and I want to be able to distinguish a certain vibe of myself at times where I would be appealing and at times where I wouldn't be as appealing...(For example: "I dont like you, I hear bad things, I feel bad vibes")......Im not gonna throw on jeans and and a button down for you...("I like you, you dress good and you smell like apples")....On that note Ill go shower and shave the hour before we hang out..Spray a little cologne,,and call it a day..or perhaps maybe 4 days..Because I have "Blogz 4 days"



In my opinion this video is hysterical.Do I get away with saying LOL?? I just thought it was perfect for the topic and it worked out to be humorous as well.

FATAL ATTRACTION!! SOUNDS DEADLY.....Nah its not at all Im just kidding.

The book defines it as an occurring when the very qualities that draw us to someone eventually contribute to relational break up.(Felmlee 1995) Wow..what are human beings generally stupid....Are we attracted to the inevitable existence of let downs? A kid I know from school started to hook up with this girl.. He said the main thing that he thought was attractive was her high sexual appetite.... and also the fact that she was cheating on her boyfriend as well. He said it was "hot" lol (moron)....Unfortunately about five months later when their relationship got to a neutral level, the guy only finds out that she was fooling around with another dude..Bridges were burned, never repaired....Relationship Done...............Isnt that a trip or what?."What goes around comes around." Thats harsh..and definitely without question a "fatal attraction". It defies logic according to personal satisfaction....In all honesty, up until today I just thought "Fatal Attraction" was a catchy name to a Michael Douglas movie. Then again I never saw the dam film.

HALO!!!.....Most over rated game ever by the way. I just thought of this when I read about what researchers call "The Halo Effect". "The tendency of associating good looks with a wide range of other positively qualities,often called "The Halo Effect" or what-is-beautiful-is-good stereotype, leads people to believe that physically attractive individuals are more likely to succeed, and they are more sociable, popular,intelligent, and competent than their less attractive counterparts"(Dion,1986;Dion, Berscheid, and Walster,1972)

Its almost like the game Halo actually.. Or you can use it as a way to remembering what "The Halo Effect" is. Halo looks like a phenomenal game in a communal bias, but after awhile it loses its taste..Your expecting it to be the best game out on the market because it looks unbelievable, but it just doesnt have that anticipation or excitement that gives us satisfaction in a game. The best graphics isnt all that matters is it? What am I really looking for in a game? Ideas, questions and false hopes similar to those are all induced by "The Halo Effect"

This was a big help in activating my mind when I was reading the chapter. By looking at this helped me absorb and retain more information actually.

Its similar to an equation. Notice the equalization it induces to the one word attraction in the middle. Reading the chapter with this in mind was extremely helpful. I cant stress that enough.

Chapter 2 / Communicating Identity

Hello people, thats my student ID card here at Manhattanville College. It shows my name, ID number and says that I am a student. But is this my true Identity? It is only a plastic card that has a picture of my face.

After reading through the chapter, any "scholar" should have a better understanding of what really makes up a person's identity. According to the text, the identity of your self is based on a complex theory of how we communicate with others. Supposedly the theory can be viewed through "Four Lenses of Identity"(Hecht 1993)

 I. Personal

II. Enactment

IIIRelationship                                                               

IV. Communal

The personal aspect basically means that we perceive ourselves to have certain attributes and characteristics that other people don't see. Almost like a picture that we take of ourselves but you are the only one that looks at it.

The enactment frame can be viewed by how we communicate with others. The way we relate and reflect to other people determines who you are. In a nut shell, if your shy, outgoing, funny, you smell good, etc... all of that influences how people view you. For example, if you know a social group that view you through a glass of being funny, handsome, and charming...and they tell you that you possess these characteristics..That social group has identified a part of YOU!

The relationship lense tells us that our identities are based on what kind of relationships we possess, and how we manage those relationships reflects a part of your self. For example, we act accordingly whether your with your girlfriend, parents, siblings, friends. I know for sure that I am looked at differently according to those small social groups. The different views of relationships are small factors of identity.

The communal frame says that our identities tie to our cultural, and environmental backround. Different norms and values make up a persons identity as well. For example, being part of the baseball team here at Manhattanville ingrains a characteristic about my self that other people see and judge. Whether you are aware of it or not, if people say that I am a stereotypical jock or athlete, maybe I am.......

 Even so..Its still all in theory.........

Since we are in theory, Im going to say that those Four Lenses of Identity can now be defined as a puzzle containing a limited (theres only four) amount of pieces made perfectly to scale, that give us an infinite (every one is different and unique) amount of characteristics to apply to any given person's identity......Fair enough I guess....

The chapter goes off on outlining factors that also relate to identity. But this theory right here to me is the basis for it. The text it self is very broad in the aspect of providing a lot of content. Some of which is still all in theory.

As long as I stay focused on the key content in the text, even for upcoming chapters I'll still have "BLOGZ 4 DAYS"--- Stephen Candal

Chapter 1

By reading chapter one in "Close Encounters", I was able to have a better understanding that communication in general defines all interpersonal relationships. It explains that communicating with people is the only way to have meaningful and effective relationships. The chapter emphasises that the levels of relationships are determined by how well you communicate with another person. There are many different factors that alter a dyad such as what sex, age, race, and their marital status. These factors alone can alter communications between people.

Now look at this..Thats my boy Johnathan on the left and thats me on the right. We are good friends and all that so we just decided to discuss the book a little bit. That is normal for friends to do....right? Yeah it is but sometimes its hard to take him seriously....If you didn't notice, Johnathan is communicating to me that he is a Mets fan..No Bueno! The hat is showing me that he likes the Mets, without even announcing it orally.Immediately Im gonna have a grudge, baseball is my life and passion. So even though hes explaining aspects about the book to me.....(you cant really notice but im staring at the mets hat!) the entire time im just annoyed. That small piece of communication of him wearing that hat altered my feelings for him, which defines our relationship to be replaceable, or almost unwanted. Luckily...........I made that junk up but its still gets to the point. However, he is a mets fan and I am a yankee fan. It doesn't bother me at all actually....thats pretty much it for  now/ "I got blogz 4 days"--Stephen Candal