Chapter 6/ Making a Love Connection

Styles of Love and Attachment

This chapter goes off on explaining the levels of love and their exceptions in every occurrence. It explains the difference between loving and liking, and talks about love in three major perspectives.
1) Lee's Love styles 2) Sternberg's triangular theory of love 3) Marston and Hecht's love ways.



Types of Love

Companionate Love- Hatfield (1988) referred to this type of love as the "warm" type of love. Its level of intimacy is always consistent. Examples of Companionate Love are family relationships, friendships, and romantic relationships.

Passionate Love- Hatfield (1988) referred to this type of love as the "hot" type of love. This level of love is characterized by emotional highs and lows rather than a consistent and personal warmth. When we are in passionate love, we feel amazing and in a state of satisfaction when things go our way. When we are rejected, we are in misery.

Lee's Love Styles

This is Lee's Love Styles represented in a color wheel. The shaded parts stand for the "primary" styles of love. The "secondary" styles of love are aspects of  two primary styles adjacent to eachother, and are shown in white.

I thought this theory was interesting, especially because of the strange names given to the pieces of pie.

Eros- physical love

Storge- companionate love

and Ludus- game-playing love... are all Primary Styles of Love

According to Lee, if you mix these primary styles (just like primary colors), you are able to make different or "secondary" styles (or colors).

Mania- possessive love

Agape- unselfish love

and Pragma- practical love.. are the three most common Secondary Styles of Love

Attachment

According to the book, attachment is conceptualized through love connections. This attachment usually tends to get stronger as relationships progress.
An attachment style is a social interaction style that is consistent with the type and quality of relationship one wishes to share with others, based on working models of self and others (Bartholomew, 1990).

They also say in the book that attachment styles in childhood are models shaped for attachment in later years in life.  A classic example would be a baby crying for her mother as an infant.

Attachment in adulthood are conceptualized by previous attachments with others. Hazan and Shaver (1987) proposed that adults can have secure, avoidant, or anxious-ambivalent attachments to their romantic partners.

Secures- These people tend to get close to their partners in a sense of dependence. They often fear being left.

Avoidants- These people are uncomfortable with getting close with their partners. They really do value their "autonomy".  (Sounds like me)

Anxious Ambivalents- These people are overly involved and can be demanding towards their partner.



Chapter 5/ Getting Closer

Initiating and Intensifying Relationships

Chapter five talks about the levels of self-disclosure, levels of relationships, and how turning points in relationships can cause a change within.

Self-Disclosure

Which can be defined as revelaing any piece of information about yourself to others. This can serve as a basis for any initial relation. Simply talking about your family, where you are from, and what your goals are all ways to intensify a relationship.

According to the Social Penetration Theory, there are three dimensions in self-disclosure: Depth, Breadth, and Frequency.

Depth- refers to how deep a conversation is
Breadth- refers to how many topics you feel comfortable talking about
Frequency- how often self-disclosure may occur.

Soo... For example..John is on my baseball team and he's also in my math class. John is also the captain of the team and is very cocky. I see John frequently, but my relationship will never increase in depth because of not liking him. Therefore, my relationship with him will never increase in breadth. My conversations with John would only be limited to talking about baseball and math. And I hate math...

Another example..A best friend. I feel that I can talk about anything with some of my friends. But there is also a select few that I do not talk to as frequent. My friend Carlos back home is a good example. I talk to him about almost anything and in great depth.  But now that I am at school I do not talk to him as much. Me coming to school is called a "turning point" in our relationship.

Stages of Relationships

This picture represents the 4 stages of the Social Penetration Theory:

I Orientation

II Exploratory Affective

III Affective Exchange

IV Stable Echange

The Orientation Stage takes place when people meet for the first time. It usually lasts for a few more encounters after and typically coincides with positive valence. If those figures represent an onion, the shaded spots are the layers of  self-disclosure that are peeled away. In the orientation stage, we reveal information such as your name and workplace. In some cases you may not even expect to see that person again.

The Explatory Affective Stage is typically acquaintances, casual friends, and casual daters. At this stage, relationships have the potential to either develop or remain at this stage. People "explore" the uncertain characteristics of the other in breadth, rather than depth. If I was to go out on a blind date I would not want to talk about a few things in great depth. It is pretty much impossible considering you do not know the other person at all.  I would want to talk briefly about a bunch of things to search for commonalities. If the date goes well it can intensify the relationship, which can lead to the next stage in development.

The Affective Exchange represents the progressive increase in depth and breadth. This typically represents best friends, romantic parterns, and family members. At this point in a relationship, we realize that we are accepted as who we are. A well large amount of disclosure has been given on both sides. Even though that depth and breadth are elevated, there are still certain areas of disclosure that remain unpeeled.

The Stable Exchange is the final stage of the Social Penetration Theory and represents full self-disclosure in a relationship. Breadth and depth are peeled to the very core of the onion. The stable exchange is very difficult to achieve and is almost unrealistic to accomplish. The book explains this in emphasizing the need for privacy and autonomy.

Turning Points

Turning points usually represent any change in a relationship. For example, a romantic relationship in the "affective exchange" level. John is thinking about moving to California for job reasons, but does not want to leave his girl friend Jessica in New York behind. His decision reflects a "turning point". He could either pick up and go, or ask Jessica if she would move with him. This type of situation is a major turning point in their relationship.

Turning Point 1... Jessica says no to John's request in moving to Californina. John decides to stay in New York with Jessica. Later on Jessica leaves John because he does not have the will to move forward in his career. She feels that their lives together will not progress into someting greater.

Turning Point 2... Jessica agrees to move to California with John. John does so well at his new job he is making triple the amount of money than he would back in New York. Jessica feels that John's success is threatening to her own expectations. However, Jessica loves that John is making alot of money. 5 years later John realizes that Jessica is a gold digger and wants to leave her.